Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Terrible idea I love it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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