Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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