if you like me you must not know who I am
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
