Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.