Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.