shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.