proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
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She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous