awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
