I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
