dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
