No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
