Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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