So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
