I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
