the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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