True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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