life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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