I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
