booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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