Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
