can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
