If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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