The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
