Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
