In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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