Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
