put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
