i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
