FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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