MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
