hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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