so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
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Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
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I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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