Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
