Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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