we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
