So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My feet surprised me
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