Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
