A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
