Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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