i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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