The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
