My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
