WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
