life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
