Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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