The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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