did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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