How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
