If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
