he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
