Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
