The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
