i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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