I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
