My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
