It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
