Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
