almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
