According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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