I just saw a hot homeless man
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
