Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's blow job season.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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