Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
