My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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